It should have not taken long to return back Iolcus with the Fleece, but like the Griswold family on vacation, a fairly straightforward journey becomes a long one because of side adventures and fate blowing a raspberry in their faces. Also it didn't help that Medea committed fratricide because the god's don't take to kindly to that behavior. Zeus decided to punish the Argo with a storm that would dwarf the tempests of Jupiter! (Get it? Jupiter is the Latin name for Zeus, god I'm clever)
"You know Medea, I got a bad feeling after you killed your brother"
"I'm sure it's nothing Jason, say what's that ominous black cloud out on the horizon? Is it getting closer?"
And so when the winds finally died down, Jason and his crew were more lost than a Pens fan in Philly. While they were gaining their bearings, Medea had a special prophecy for the ship's helmsman, Hikaru Sulu. Oh okay, his name was Euphemus (the guy who could walk on water, remember?) and Medea predicted that one day he would rule what is now modern day Libya. However, that has nothing to do with the story now does it?
Eventually they figured out they weren't out at sea, but actually a river! The Danube to be exact and instead of turning around which would them out to sea, Jason ordered them to keep rowing forward. How long before this would bite Jason in the ass more than WCW when they spoiled Foley winning the WWF championship, let's find out.
"Great plan Jason, I suppose you will have us carry this hunk of wood across these mountains"
"What a brilliant idea Pollux!"
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu"
Eventually they reached the Alps and there was no more river to row through. They still didn't turn back though since I guess Jason has more pride in his decisions than Lucifer himself because he was going to get the Argo past these mountains and find another river to sail through. Like Hannibal, Jason would soon find out how difficult it would be to cross the Alps and they didn't have The Murray (Oops I mean Heracles) to single handedly lift the Argo on his shoulders and carry it.
After weeks of dragging a wooden ship across the mountains, they finally found another river which was the Modern Day Rhone river. Finally they could get back to sailing and rowing instead of making the prequel to Fitzcarraldo. Soon after sailing south they were back in the sea, but had no idea where they were. They needed to stop for directions and what better person to ask than the witch who likes to turn people into animals.
Hi! I promise I won't turn you into swine!
They landed on the small island of Aeaea, home to the daughter of Helios, Circe the sorceress. Now this was before the Odyssey and way before she forced Batman to sing, so maybe the Nymph was much more mellow back then. She didn't turn any of them into pigs or other beasts, but then the Argonauts had Medea who was just as powerful as Circe. Sadly, she didn't try to make Jason sing some good old big band song as payment for her help, but oh well at least she got CM Pu- I mean Batman to.
Batman should have sung songs for Fallout New Vegas, god knows that soundtrack needed more music
Really Circe was quite helpful for Jason and his crew, proving that she was more like the Trickster than the Joker if you can catch my drift. Hell she even cleansed them of the murder of Absyrtus and effectively cleared them from the wrath of the gods. Just before the crew left, Circe gave some vital information for how they would reach Ioclus.
Umm Orpheus? A little help here?
The important advice that Circe gave was that we would not be able to make it back to Iolcus without the music of the Argonauts spoony bard, Orpheus. Why? Because they had to pass by the islands of the Sirens, beautiful nymphs who sung more seductively than Tim Curry, David Bowie, and Barry White combined. Their powerfully sexy songs induced sailors to jump overboard and swim out to the Sirens, only for them to meet a watery death at the hands of the deadly women.
Only the rocking tunes of Orpheus could overcome the seductive singing of the evil Sirens and as the Argo sailed past the three tiny islands where they lived, Orpheus began playing his lyre. Orpheus played long and loud, his fingers moving faster than Landon Ricketts gun drawing hand. Seeing the crew disinterested, the Sirens came closer, trying to get more attention than Norma Desmond, but to no avail, Orpheus had defeated the Siren's song with the power of rock. (And if Brutal Legend has taught me anything that is not a force to be reckoned with)
Orpheus I don't suppose you can play us out of this predicament?
After defeating the Sirens, the Argo and her crew had the cross the strait between Sicily and Italy, little did they know about the danger that lied ahead of them. Because on each side of the strait was a terrible monster and no safe way to pass between them.
On one side you had a giant maelstrom of endless hunger that would dwarf the black hole of sexual depravity that exists in the man known as Lordkat. Then on the other side was the horrible sea monster with four eyes, six long necks equipped with grisly heads, each of which contained three rows of sharp teeth. Her body consisted of twelve tentacle-like legs and a cat's tail and with four to six dog-heads ringing her waist. (Jesus and I thought Rosie O'Donnell was an abomination of a woman)
Basically Jason was faced with a Kobayashi Maru situation in which either situation would lead to death of his crew or the destruction of his ship; luckily for him, he would receive some help. Thetis (Mother of Achilles) and her 49 Nereids saw the trouble brewing and offered to help them out. Jason immediately accepted their offer and the daughters of Nereus got to work.
They got in position, 25 on the entrance of the strait and 25 on the exit. Then, first 25 dove under the keel of the Argo and got a good grip of it before using all their strength to make that ship fly like the Juggernaut in Age of Empires! The ship soared past the whirlpool and sea monster and safely landed into the arms of the other 25 Nereids. Waving good bye to their saviors the Argo continued it's long journey home.
Damn, this trip must have taken long, because they seem to be in the Middle Ages now!
Turns out that the winds were quite wild in that region of the Mediterranean, because the Argo and her crew were at their mercy. After weeks of going in all sorts of directions, none of them being straight, they landed on the Island of the Phaeacians. This is where Jason and Medea finally decided to tie the knot after more sexual tension than a cheap afternoon soap opera.
Now that they got that little detail finished, they were nearly home, but the last stop was going to be the most dangerous. Why? Well because of:
Giant Metal Man!!!!
They landed on Crete, unbeknownst to the giant bronze sentry that destroyed all who trespassed, accident or not. Another of Hephaestus' creations (Man Heph would make a killing if he opened a company called Giant Metal Creations of Doom Inc) this giant brazen man was fueled with a single vein of Ichor (the golden blood of the immortals) that extended from his brain all the way down to one of his legs were it was capped off with a nail in the heel. (Gee, I wonder where it's weakness is)
Wait, what are you doing here Heracles and Hylas?
While ashore, Jason and his crew watched in terror as this gigantic automaton stomped its way down to the beach. They made sure to avoid its grasp, because Talos liked to grab its enemies and rub them against its sun soaked chest, burning them to death. Since however Talos such a obvious weakspot that would make a videogame boss blush, he was easily defeated not by Jason or the Argonauts, but by Medea. (The reason why it was Jason in the Ray Harryhausen film was because they hadn't even reached Colchis by the time they met Talos)
She was able to sneak her around the clumsy giant and able to pull the pin that capped that vital vein. Soon all the Ichor flowed out of the bronze man and soon he was effectively "dead". Not wishing to stay any longer on this island, the Argo set sail on course to finally reach Iolcus.
Meanwhile, I can only assume Hephaestus went back to the chalkboard to work on the T-1000 sentry Mark II, now with TWO veins and maybe not having such an obvious weakspot. Anyway now that I brought it up earlier, let's see how the 1963 film killed Talos.
God, you sadly never see special effects like these any more :(
"You know Medea, I got a bad feeling after you killed your brother"
"I'm sure it's nothing Jason, say what's that ominous black cloud out on the horizon? Is it getting closer?"
And so when the winds finally died down, Jason and his crew were more lost than a Pens fan in Philly. While they were gaining their bearings, Medea had a special prophecy for the ship's helmsman, Hikaru Sulu. Oh okay, his name was Euphemus (the guy who could walk on water, remember?) and Medea predicted that one day he would rule what is now modern day Libya. However, that has nothing to do with the story now does it?
Eventually they figured out they weren't out at sea, but actually a river! The Danube to be exact and instead of turning around which would them out to sea, Jason ordered them to keep rowing forward. How long before this would bite Jason in the ass more than WCW when they spoiled Foley winning the WWF championship, let's find out.
"Great plan Jason, I suppose you will have us carry this hunk of wood across these mountains"
"What a brilliant idea Pollux!"
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu"
Eventually they reached the Alps and there was no more river to row through. They still didn't turn back though since I guess Jason has more pride in his decisions than Lucifer himself because he was going to get the Argo past these mountains and find another river to sail through. Like Hannibal, Jason would soon find out how difficult it would be to cross the Alps and they didn't have The Murray (Oops I mean Heracles) to single handedly lift the Argo on his shoulders and carry it.
After weeks of dragging a wooden ship across the mountains, they finally found another river which was the Modern Day Rhone river. Finally they could get back to sailing and rowing instead of making the prequel to Fitzcarraldo. Soon after sailing south they were back in the sea, but had no idea where they were. They needed to stop for directions and what better person to ask than the witch who likes to turn people into animals.
Hi! I promise I won't turn you into swine!
They landed on the small island of Aeaea, home to the daughter of Helios, Circe the sorceress. Now this was before the Odyssey and way before she forced Batman to sing, so maybe the Nymph was much more mellow back then. She didn't turn any of them into pigs or other beasts, but then the Argonauts had Medea who was just as powerful as Circe. Sadly, she didn't try to make Jason sing some good old big band song as payment for her help, but oh well at least she got CM Pu- I mean Batman to.
Batman should have sung songs for Fallout New Vegas, god knows that soundtrack needed more music
Really Circe was quite helpful for Jason and his crew, proving that she was more like the Trickster than the Joker if you can catch my drift. Hell she even cleansed them of the murder of Absyrtus and effectively cleared them from the wrath of the gods. Just before the crew left, Circe gave some vital information for how they would reach Ioclus.
Umm Orpheus? A little help here?
The important advice that Circe gave was that we would not be able to make it back to Iolcus without the music of the Argonauts spoony bard, Orpheus. Why? Because they had to pass by the islands of the Sirens, beautiful nymphs who sung more seductively than Tim Curry, David Bowie, and Barry White combined. Their powerfully sexy songs induced sailors to jump overboard and swim out to the Sirens, only for them to meet a watery death at the hands of the deadly women.
Only the rocking tunes of Orpheus could overcome the seductive singing of the evil Sirens and as the Argo sailed past the three tiny islands where they lived, Orpheus began playing his lyre. Orpheus played long and loud, his fingers moving faster than Landon Ricketts gun drawing hand. Seeing the crew disinterested, the Sirens came closer, trying to get more attention than Norma Desmond, but to no avail, Orpheus had defeated the Siren's song with the power of rock. (And if Brutal Legend has taught me anything that is not a force to be reckoned with)
Orpheus I don't suppose you can play us out of this predicament?
After defeating the Sirens, the Argo and her crew had the cross the strait between Sicily and Italy, little did they know about the danger that lied ahead of them. Because on each side of the strait was a terrible monster and no safe way to pass between them.
On one side you had a giant maelstrom of endless hunger that would dwarf the black hole of sexual depravity that exists in the man known as Lordkat. Then on the other side was the horrible sea monster with four eyes, six long necks equipped with grisly heads, each of which contained three rows of sharp teeth. Her body consisted of twelve tentacle-like legs and a cat's tail and with four to six dog-heads ringing her waist. (Jesus and I thought Rosie O'Donnell was an abomination of a woman)
Basically Jason was faced with a Kobayashi Maru situation in which either situation would lead to death of his crew or the destruction of his ship; luckily for him, he would receive some help. Thetis (Mother of Achilles) and her 49 Nereids saw the trouble brewing and offered to help them out. Jason immediately accepted their offer and the daughters of Nereus got to work.
They got in position, 25 on the entrance of the strait and 25 on the exit. Then, first 25 dove under the keel of the Argo and got a good grip of it before using all their strength to make that ship fly like the Juggernaut in Age of Empires! The ship soared past the whirlpool and sea monster and safely landed into the arms of the other 25 Nereids. Waving good bye to their saviors the Argo continued it's long journey home.
Damn, this trip must have taken long, because they seem to be in the Middle Ages now!
Turns out that the winds were quite wild in that region of the Mediterranean, because the Argo and her crew were at their mercy. After weeks of going in all sorts of directions, none of them being straight, they landed on the Island of the Phaeacians. This is where Jason and Medea finally decided to tie the knot after more sexual tension than a cheap afternoon soap opera.
Now that they got that little detail finished, they were nearly home, but the last stop was going to be the most dangerous. Why? Well because of:
Giant Metal Man!!!!
They landed on Crete, unbeknownst to the giant bronze sentry that destroyed all who trespassed, accident or not. Another of Hephaestus' creations (Man Heph would make a killing if he opened a company called Giant Metal Creations of Doom Inc) this giant brazen man was fueled with a single vein of Ichor (the golden blood of the immortals) that extended from his brain all the way down to one of his legs were it was capped off with a nail in the heel. (Gee, I wonder where it's weakness is)
Wait, what are you doing here Heracles and Hylas?
While ashore, Jason and his crew watched in terror as this gigantic automaton stomped its way down to the beach. They made sure to avoid its grasp, because Talos liked to grab its enemies and rub them against its sun soaked chest, burning them to death. Since however Talos such a obvious weakspot that would make a videogame boss blush, he was easily defeated not by Jason or the Argonauts, but by Medea. (The reason why it was Jason in the Ray Harryhausen film was because they hadn't even reached Colchis by the time they met Talos)
She was able to sneak her around the clumsy giant and able to pull the pin that capped that vital vein. Soon all the Ichor flowed out of the bronze man and soon he was effectively "dead". Not wishing to stay any longer on this island, the Argo set sail on course to finally reach Iolcus.
Meanwhile, I can only assume Hephaestus went back to the chalkboard to work on the T-1000 sentry Mark II, now with TWO veins and maybe not having such an obvious weakspot. Anyway now that I brought it up earlier, let's see how the 1963 film killed Talos.
God, you sadly never see special effects like these any more :(
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