058 Hades gets his woman and screws up weather patterns

After looking over the story of Orpheus' quest for his love, I remembered another love story that took place in the Underworld; the story of how Hades got his queen Persephone. This tale would have huge ramifications to the mortal world, because the mother of Persephone would not be pleased with her marriage, but we will get there in due time, for now I must start at the beginning.

Man I so lonely, maybe I should start wearing clothes

Being the king of the dead would be a lonely job for anyone and this was the same with Hades the depressed and solemn lord of the Underworld. While the other gods went around picking up chicks and raping them, Hades sat on his black throne, but there was a goddess that none of the Olympians had been able to hook up with. She was Persephone and was the daughter Demeter, the nature goddess. Hermes, Ares, Apollo, and Hephaestus,
had all wooed Persephone; but Demeter rejected all their gifts and hid
her daughter away from the company of the Olympian deities. (smart move).

Hades was a Meat Loaf fan apparently

Demeter did not count on her brother Hades falling in love with her beautiful daughter and it was through Zeus' advice (always a good idea to ask Zeus for advice about getting chicks) that Hades decided to kidnap Persephone while she was picking flowers. He burst through the meadow where she frolicked with nymphs and took her on his dark chariot led by black horses with crimson eyes of fire.

Aw

Yeah

Hades took the crying and terrified girl to his depressing palace and it was there that he proclaimed her his wife and queen. (Keep in mind that this is here niece) She had little choice and did not resist, but the world above suffered in her disappearance because her mother did not take this easily. 

Someone didn't take the news well

Demeter searched desperately for her daughter and mankind suffered because of it. With her focus on her daughter, nothing grew and plants died. Mass famine began and all of mankind was starving to death when the sun god Helios told her that it was Hades that took her daughter. (Sun god sees all!) She grew angry that her brother took her own daughter to make her his queen and thus she continued to leave the Earth starving and barren. Finally, Zeus (of all people), pressed by the cries of the hungry people and by the
other deities who also heard their anguish, forced Hades to return
Persephone. However, Hades had an ace up his sleeve.

Did you enjoy your meal?

However, it was a rule of the Fates that whoever consumed food or drink
in the Underworld was doomed to spend eternity there. Before Persephone
was released to Hermes, who had been sent to retrieve her, Hades tricked her into eating six pomegranate seeds. But because Zeus didn't want mankind to starve to death, he ordered his brother to allow Persephone to return to the realm of the living for six months on the condition that she would return to Hades for six months for each seed she ate. And this is why we have seasons, for the 6 months she is in Hades, the Earth is barren and gripped with fall and winter, but when she returns we are blessed with bounty and given Spring and Summer. So what I'm trying to say is:

Everyone sort of lived happily ever after (except Zeus who wasn't tapping that)